[Day 3] What missing someone means

Posted on October 7, 2015


During the last year I’ve tried my hand at casual dating.

Not really one to have ever thought I was capable of it, I thought i’d give it a go – I wanted to be treated with respect along the way, but thought that it might be possible to do ‘grey area’ dating, where you genuinely don’t want a relationship from the person, but there’s chemistry there and fun to be had.

Naively I conned myself into thinking I could do this with the guy I’ve loved the most but never had a relationship with. It’s silly, but on here I’ve referred to him as ‘The Great Love’. Which along the way I learned was a big part of the journey to loving myself. It was an unorthodox case of dating the undatable – i’m not sure which way around i’m referring to here. I was probably a little undatable in that I wasn’t emotionally ready for a relationship, and certainly in the early days would have put a lot of pressure on it. I know I would have. I probably did. And he was undatable in the sense that he kept promising he wanted things i.e. love, relationship, to give it a go – then would never follow through.

He’s popped up now and again in the last year and i’ve let him back in, because I miss him. He misses me. I think the temptation of being together, in each other’s arms most usually, is intoxicatingly alluring – but I think we both now know it will never happen between us, in any longer term sense, so we’re learning the art of letting go. I still feel sad about it sometimes, I don’t miss the potential of what it could have been, but just very simply, I miss him. The person. Fear, anxiety, life aside for a moment – there was a sense of perseverance there, from both sides, a desire to better ourselves through the pain we were causing each other, which is pretty magnanimous. Hard to let go of.

I tried a different tact. Earlier this year, Blackheath came back. After a year of no contact, and after only one date and one very hot kiss, he was looking for a new woman in his life now he was clean & sober. From the get-go it was dangerous, murky territory. He didn’t stay sober for long. I made it clear I wasn’t in a position to get in a relationship. Now, here we are after six months of will-we-won’t-we, some hurtful moments, a few surprises too – and we definitely will not. I had to push him away, after he probably felt he had to do the same to me. It was never going to work. We always knew that. But in a weird, unexpected way, I got attached. My feelings changed. And I do miss him. I feel weird about how it all panned out, but we can’t be friends. We crossed the line emotionally. It made me want a relationship with totally the wrong guy. Grey area, aborted.

Then there’s my lovely and adorable, reliable, trustworthy, honest, good friend. Let’s call him Jay.

I don’t miss him when I don’t see him or talk to him. Not like the others. But I do really care about him. We’ve been friends 4 years now, it started as a dating thing but never went anywhere. It was confusing because I fancied him and cuddles were great but hot and sweaty sex was not something I wanted from him. But after 4 years that connection never went anywhere, and recently we started cuddling, which then led to kissing. In terms of grey areas, this is an interesting one. Because it feels really nice. If you asked me, is it a ‘Fuck Yeh!’ then no its not. Could it be one day? Yeh. Maybe actually. I do feel like it could be. It’s just not there yet. But then, what does Jay want? Something says it might just be a casual thing. In which case, is this a red flag?

Or can you have a mate that you just cuddle and kiss? And it never leads to sex? Is that normal?! Or should that be avoided?

I feel like I should be 25 years old asking these questions. I must be a late developer. But then I had way more sex in my 20s, much more experimental too – and in my 30s its been about intimacy of the experience and being more comfortable with who I am. I’m okay with that.

Thing is, the Blackheath situation left me wanting the person I spent the night with to spend the day together with me, hanging out, cooking, watching shit TV, fucking. But not with a coke comedown. I started to want all the things. Wholesome things though.

Does that means when we feel that way for a person, that it’s the person we wanted that with, or just that we just wanted that with a person?

I can’t help but think, what missing someone might mean, is missing that part of you that’s happy when you’re loved up and feeling cosy in the arms of another human being.

I think there’s always a point though where feeling nice with a person is going to get confusing, addictive – maybe its just I want to re-create love in my life that much huh.