Oh love, here you are again my Muse

Posted on March 30, 2016


The desire to control my emotions is strong, the freedom I have to love is vast and the uncontrollable self-preservation that’s come back again, has dampened the spark.

Anyone know what I’m talking about?

I have the ability, like many, to over complicate things when it comes to falling in love. Just as much as I can be overwhelmed, giddy even by the rush, there’s a flipside – and my emotions can shut down, they freeze, often very shortly after things get a little intense. It’s like that ‘whoah’ moment, you know the one – the long doey-eyed look that says a million I love yous, well think of it like an orgasm. You get that huge build up, the fuckimfallinginlovewithyou moment, you think it, you both fall into each other’s arms and it’s beautiful. But then after that, comes the silence. The nothing. The empty space of love. The anti-climactic pause of love.

So this week I am feeling a bit cut off emotionally. I keep telling myself not to contact him, to let him question whether i’m the one into him, rather than the other way around. I want to acknowledge the instagram quotes of his that say ‘don’t always been too available for people’. But we’re used to talking every day, it’s almost habitual now. Even just a little ‘hello’ keeps things feeling more normal. But i’m going through the moments. Cut off. Unconnected. Wondering how we got so quickly from A-Z.

I am not choosing this feeling of nothingness. It’s chosen me. But its so powerful I feel like you could whip me away from my new lover forever; and in this moment I feel like I’d be okay about it. Some sort of “love” huh.

It is a transitionary love? Is it just lust? Did the universe deliver him to me to help me see that love can still ebb and flow into the sporadic romantic nature of my life? Am I learning that I can find love, equally I can survive without it? The old me would have feared greatly the potential loss of love, and when that inevitable time would come around I would fall apart in the loss of it. Greatly.

Also, I’ve been feeling a little less attached to my previous lovers since this new one has come into my life. That’s another delicious little gift right there.

Yet this feeling is two-faced. Back in Sri Lanka, I feel like I could potentially get caught back up in it, providing it’s mutually reciprocated. But not if it’s only one-way.

Then again, love can evolve, it can shift, it can mutate or transcend into various different kinds of emotion and I can’t control that – I have to accept that it will be what it will be.

It’s just exciting though isn’t it.

To fall giddily into love. And equally it’s quite comforting, to know that you could walk away from it, should one want to (or need to). Everything is transitionary, love is a moment or a lifetime, and real deep love can only build through time, through multiple shared moments, and we’ve only really just had a few.

It’s really just the beginning.

Anything, absolutely anything, can happen.

That’s kind of exciting, don’t you think?