Default Mode: Destruction

Posted on May 13, 2016

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I don’t know why I do this.

Evidence-seek. Annoy. Destroy.

I find reasons why:

  • he doesn’t love me
  • he doesn’t fancy me
  • he only seems to want ME to worship and adore him. he doesn’t worship and adore me.

I’ve been picking holes.

Acting like a teenager.

Pulling him up for silly things, mis-slips of words, and English isn’t even his first language! Why am I being so mean?

I’ve taken his happiness from him. He’s like a ghost. Moving through the motions. Waiting for me to leave.

He didn’t hold onto me in the night last night like he usually does.

He didn’t kiss me goodbye on the mouth this morning.

The tension hung in the air like a thick suffocating blanket but I can’t read his mind. Is anything even in his mind other than: i’m going to be late for work. I’m hungry. When can I play snooker on my phone.

But what lies at the core of all of it this, is this:

He can’t connect with me about the emotional stuff. He has literally no clue. No desire to have a clue. He clams up. He won’t talk to me. He refuses to talk, even. It’s that bad. I’ve dated guys before who don’t like to talk about emotions but this wall is so well built its only destroying me trying to chip away.

And I can’t work with that. It’s making me feel awful. I am close to tears. In a panic. I don’t know why. I want to swallow pills. Go to sleep forever, for him to find me in a puddle of my own sweat and piss just to say FUCK YOU! You should have listened to me.

Mature huh?

So yeh. It’s eating me alive, making me crazy.

He won’t even understand if I tried to explain any of this because last night when I tried to explain something that’s pretty basic that’s about my behaviour, he got in huff. He tutted at me. Asked me ‘what is WRONG with you woman?’.

I pick my moments wrong, sure. We were about to have sex. I was roleplaying and making him tell me how much he loves fucking and kissing me, and he said ‘I really like kissing you’. And I couldn’t let that go. LIKE. Not love.

Like.

But the need to be understood and to express how I feel overwhelms me.  The desire to say ‘Oi! You only said Like, fuck you’ was too overpowering.

Maybe it’s selfish of me.

Perhaps if I was a bigger person I could bite my tongue. I could leave it be.

But I can’t fight it, that urge to “talk” to lay things out, so strategise together about our mis-understandings, and find a way forward, to settle gently back into our usually peaceful and harmonious rhythm.

It feels like the world could be fixed if we only just talk.

And we can’t. So the world (for me, at least) is left in chaos.

 

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Posted in: Journal