He said, I love you

Posted on May 23, 2016

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Our final date was dreamily romantic. A blanket placed on the Galle Face Green after dark, an umbrella strategically placed to shield our bottle of prosecco and some street food snacks which he bought from a water’s edge stall.

We played a game.

“Ask me a question, any question. This is your last chance to know something about me”.

I was in a curious mood.

He asked, “Would you be interested in carrying this thing on with me?”

The last 3 weeks of my time in Sri Lanka I was properly anxious he didn’t feel the same.

I was kind of O.K about it. I knew this was a brief fling, a moment in each other’s lives where we brought lust, tears and comfort to each other at a time when I think we both needed it.

He was kind. Generous. Loving.

I was his exciting, older, lover.

But as work pressures, exhaustion and stress levels strained I started to feel insecure. I was seeing evidence that he didn’t love me everywhere I looked.

And it was all in my imagination. All because he wouldn’t/couldn’t tell me how he felt.

I became a nervous wreck. Saw a side to myself I didn’t like. I was needy. Emotional. On edge. Couldn’t relax.

A big hot mess.

“What do you think you’re looking for this to turn into, after you’ve gone?” he said in discombobulated Sri Lankan English.

I paused.

This was a big question.

Despite falling head over heels in love with him back in late March, I had packaged this up as a prolonged holiday fling and was ready to let this love go.

I found myself saying i’d think about it. I mean, here I was, getting what I wanted. He was saying he loved me. For such a long time his not being able to tell me how he felt, had eaten away at me, despite him behaving like he did on a regular basis.

That said, there are just some things that you can’t ignore when you’re in the early days of a relationship and several of these had been eating away at me for a while.

I knew deep down it didn’t look good for this wonderful little romance. We’re from different worlds. He goes to the buddhist temple and gives people cows as gifts.

I like curling up on my John Lewis sofa and watching box sets.

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Posted in: Journal, Journeys