Bitches: and why we need to love them

Posted on July 3, 2016

0



Who popped into your head the minute you read my title “Bitches….” ?

Is there someone in your life who errs more to the side of meow?

I’ve spent the last few years eradicating bitchiness out of my life. I can’t stand it. I used to find myself surrounded by nastiness when I worked in advertising. It’s all some people to seem to have in their conversational repertoire – it’s destructive, boring and frankly, not a sign of a very happy person.

Tearing other’s down to build yourself up, it’s well, just plain ole nasty.

But what lies at the heart of much bitchiness is a desperate person – and I have started to feel sorry for people who lean toward this way of looking at the world around them.

Bitchiness is negativity personified.

A bitchy person is irritable. They find weakness and fault in everyone, or at least the people they feel they can pick on. Sometimes it’s people they can’t relate to – much like bullies in the school play ground who prey on the outcasts. But equally bitchiness can manifest through jealousy, zeroing in on the person who seems to ‘have it all’ in order to tear them down, make them more on their level (which is invariably, just a little bit, fucked up).

We all strive to be ‘perfect’ and these growing pains can mean we seek (or receive) sanctum in the re-levelling of the playing field.

But being mean – whilst you could be forgiven for thinking this is cool and funny, it just actually not that nice. Not that nice people are not creating positive energy in the world around them. Not all that nice people, breed more not that niceness, in the people around them.

Bitchiness is contagious. You never noticed? When someone is being bitchy around me, about other people, I remember suddenly feeling myself drawn into a very seductive, very negative, way of talking about other people. And then i’d immediately hate myself.

But we’ve all been bitchy at various points in our lives and in my early 20s I remember even thinking that it was normal to let off some steam to someone else when people have annoyed me.

As a grow(n)ing adult, people rarely annoy me now, and I view the world much more objectively. Everyone has insecurities – everyone does things they regret, or don’t communicate effectively with abject truth or authenticity because that’s something the majority of us are not born with or given the tools as children to work with.

Prompted to think about this recently, I went and met with an old friend whom I hadn’t seen in 20 years. Since we were 16, I think it was.

We were good friends at school but fell out for a number of reasons – we never even had a big argument or a moment of ‘bust’ but I recall thinking she was two-faced, very bitchy, and as much as she might ‘slag everyone off’ to my face, I had an underlying sense that she was probably doing the same with other people.

I found out one time, when I was 14 or 15 I think, that she had been the person who had started a destructive rumour about me when we were 12, which had resulted in school-wide name calling and set me on a path of insecurity and paranoia. I had often gone to her in tears wondering why everyone was calling me names, unaware it was her responsible for it.

The final year of our friendship was underlined by passive aggressive friendliness, digs here and there, being nasty about each other being each other’s backs, slowly freezing each other out – avoid dealing with a confrontation about what she’d done mostly, and me genuinely hating her and thinking she was a prime A1 bitch but without the guts to tell her I knew. Occasionally brought together by our many mutual friends, pretending everything was fine, and getting drunk together and getting up to typical teenage mischief.

When I met her a few weeks ago, I have no idea if she remembers one night where we both got high and I told her that I knew what she’d done to me, and I told her the full extent of how destructive it had been, how deeply it had messed with my head. Then after that night we never spoke again.

I thought meeting up was going to involve a journey back into the past, and it did. But she brought her friend with her – so there was very little we could do to go into the gritty details.

But one day I want to apologise to her.

Children are innocent in as much as they’re a product of their environments and for all I know I did something to initially upset her, triggering the abuse. Or maybe she was just a cow because children can be the cruelest sometimes.

Either way, we were both innocent back then. We both had our own neuroses, our dramas, our ways to responding to things and as we all know, nobody’s perfect. We are brought up to be unhappy in many regards, and until we’ve learned to love ourselves, we’re unable to truly love anyone else.

This is why I think bitches need to be loved.

Their bitchiness is really just a manifestation of their own unhappiness – it’s a reflection of the way they view themselves. And i’m far from perfect, i’ve done my fair share of being bitchy in the past too.

What do you think? Do you have a story about a friend who treated you badly? Or friends who like to bitch about your other friends?

Advertisements