The Anatomy of Trust

Posted on August 30, 2016


Caught between a rock and a truck (I wanted to say “hard place” but it’s so over-used isn’t it? So now i’ll stretch that out a little more just for fun), engine teasingly revving…. i’ve been trying to find a way out.

One minute it’s a pure escape plan, 999, the sound of the police. Picture the above image for a moment if you will – me stuck between this hilarious monster truck with these huge wheels spinning in the sand, and on the other side of my body, a 50 foot cliff at the back end of a beach. That’s where that imagine took me for some reason.

This is life or death, pretty much.

Penchant for drama?

Imagery to the side, i’m trying to find a way out of what feels like an emotional trap. And I know there’s an answer out there somewhere.

So on the one hand, i’ll speak in real terms now, I’m in this pseudo-relationship, but its a real relationship (see? hence the trap). It’s a technical glitch. You see, it’s not a real relationship in the usual boy-meets-girl, boy and girl go out with each other for a while, girl and boy encounter problems (like everyone does), boy and girl try to resolve problems. It’s exactly that though, only its the appetizer – caught in a bubble of will-we-won’t-we (you see, he’s a friend) and it’s not moving from the starting block.

Not for want of trying.

The thing is. There is a lack of trust. And that lack of trust is breaking down the relationship (as real or as false as I might be willing to acknowledge it as).

It plays on mind.

Why did he say he wanted to talk, and then never called?

Why does he say he loves me, but then acts in relatively non-loving ways?

What’s it about, when he says he wants to be with me, but then is always too busy to see me?

I know I know. Usually in such circumstances you just tell yourself “enough already! Move on!” and it might play on your mind a while, but ultimately you know this person in a douche and not serious, a pathological liar maybe. So you dodged a bullet. Goodbye.

All things to make oneself feel better. And possibly some truth in some of that. Most of the time, that’s a fair assessment.

But there is something greater going on here.

I’ve been tracking this person’s behaviour and my response to it and i’m noticing something. And like a detective i’m getting closer to it and i’m not yet ready to let it go.

He’s shit fucking scared. I don’t really know if I believe that it’s of what he says he is. But that’s his journey I suppose. But when he comes into my life, I get shit fucking scared. Of abandonment mostly. Of getting hurt. Of being let down.

I’ve been feeling a trifle blue this last few weeks, frustrated by being let down, not just not having my calls returned, or having seemingly revisited the land of the fizzle – the common ground that thrives pretty quickly after our epic reunions. But of being treated so very un-lovingly. With so much betrayal of trust. I’m 36 and just never expected at this age to have to deal with such challenging and awkward behaviour.

It’s all too easy to ask oneself, ‘what did I do wrong’ or take the blame. It’s possible I can demand too much sometimes, i’m open and not afraid to talk about the uncomfortable stuff, even though sometimes I don’t want to either. I suppose i’m getting used to messy conversations; heart pounding, shame overflowing, confusion, heat and anger all rolled into one slow drawing cigarette. And I know when I’m to blame, and am getting used to facing up to my own admissions. Equally I try not to blame anyone.

But I like to point out where I think it might be possible some behaviours or actions have contributed to a breakdown in communication, relationship or trust. And whilst I sit here typing this I am thinking, but hang on, i’m pretty fair. I’m pretty easy going. Is it too demanding to expect someone to call you back when you arranged to talk about something pressing? Is it pushy, to hope to see your special someone once a week or once a fortnight? And when you’re seemingly hitting a wall, and you can feel your betrothed pulling away over seemingly tiny things, like expressing to them that you find it hard when they won’t commit to a plan and stick to it; is that cause enough for said-betrothed’s pulling away? Or is that just the girl, being clear on boundaries; and the boy, being a suck-ass?

I can’t express how much Brene Brown’s video on The Anatomy of Trust, on Opera’s Super Soul Sunday just brought me into awareness.

Even if none of what I just said makes sense, watch this video now and learn about the art of “B.R.A.V.I.N.G” and how you can recognise when someone is worthy of your trust 🙂

SuperSoul Sessions

What does it mean to trust someone? What does it mean to trust yourself? Brené Brown breaks down her world renowned research into a jar of marbles…yes, a jar of marbles. Brené Brown’s SuperSoul Session takes you step by step through the acronym B.R.A.V.I.N.G, revealing the anatomy of trust and why it all starts with the small, everyday moments you might be missing.